Life was all normal until last Friday. My son was at home while I was at work. I came home from work, humming the “Mission: Impossible” theme, only to find a weird note on the fridge. It said:“We have your son. Pay us 20 lakhs or you’ll never see him again.
-The Kidnappers (™)”
: They even trademarked it. Very professional!
At first, I panicked. My precious boy! My little, math-hating gremlin! But then I realized something important: I’m not just any dad. I once got kicked out of an escape room for escaping too fast. These guys didn’t know who they were messing with.
So I got to work. First, I tracked their IP address using the Wi-Fi on my smart fridge. (Thank you, FridgeNet1000). Then I hacked into their security cameras using my old iPod from Why do I still have it? BECAUSE I’M A GENIUS, THAT’S WHY! Turns out they were holed up in a sketchy warehouse full of beanbags, empty Dorito bags, and—wait for it—a whiteboard that said “Evil Plan, Step 3: Buy yacht.”
: I hopped into my Toyota that sounds like a lawn mower in distress, and drove straight there. When I burst in through the back door, they all froze mid-snack. My son was sitting there eating cookies like he was on a school picnic!
“Dad!” he cheered, “You found me! Also, they gave me soda. Can we get kidnapped again next weekend?”
I ignored him and faced the kidnappers. “Here’s the deal,” I said, cracking my knuckles (which hurt, but I pretended it didn’t). “Either you pay me 1 lakh for wasting my evening, or I leak your evil plan to the internet and your moms.”
One of them fainted.
: The other tried to threaten me, but I’d already printed out photos of their leader, dressed as a stupid slick back boy from a costume party in 2016. I uploaded it to all their phones. Then I showed them the bill for my son’s orthodontist appointments and said, “You sure you want to keep him?”
They panicked. They paid me 24,705 INR, a bag of marshmallows, and a PlayStation 5.
We drove home with the windows down, my son still sipping soda and asking if I could “let him get kidnapped just once a month.” Never again!
I kind of feel bad for the kidnappers: first of all, they messed with the wrong dad; and secondly, because they picked up the dumbest kid !!
Moral of the story? Don’t mess with a dad who owns a label maker, an old iPod, and absolutely no shame .Also, I still kept the marshmallows.
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